Employee Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had or given an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
• "I would not allow this employee to breed."
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
• "He's been working with glue too much."
• "He would argue with a signpost."
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
• "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
• "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
• "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
• "One neuron short of a synapse."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
• "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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