Grand Canyon National Park:
• Was this man-made?
• Do you light it up at night?
• Is the mule train air conditioned?
• So where are the faces of the presidents?

  Everglades National Park:

• Are the alligators real?
• Are the baby alligators for sale?
• Where are all the rides?
• What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

  Mesa Verde National Park:

• Did people build this, or did Indians?
• Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
• Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
• What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?
• Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

  Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

• How much of the cave is underground?
• So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
• Does it ever rain in here?
• How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
• So what is this–just a hole in the ground?

  Yosemite National Park:

• Where are the cages for the animals?
• What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
• What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
• Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

  Denali National Park:

• What time do you feed the bears?
• What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
• Can you show me where yeti lives?
• How often do you mow the tundra?
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

  Yellowstone National Park:

• Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
• How do you turn it on?
• When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
• We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• Why is it that to stop Windows Software, you have to click on “Start”?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

• Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• Only in America do stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke. Or a candy bar and a Diet Coke!
• Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
• Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• Only in America do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
• Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.