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“Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey.” - Genesis 24:12, A Servant’s Prayer
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church…”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
“When starting out, don’t worry about not having enough money. Limited funds are a blessing, not a curse. Nothing encourages creative thinking in quite the same way.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A banker is a person who will loan you money if you can prove that you don’t need any.”
A farmer and his wife visited the fair each year. One of the attractions was a pilot who would give passengers a short ride in his bi-plane for five dollars. The farmer wanted to ride the plane, but every year his wife would say, “five dollars is five dollars,” and not let him ride.
After 7 years, the pilot offered the farmer a deal. He said, “If you and your wife can go the entire ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the the ride for free.” The farmer and his wife were delighted with this offer and climbed aboard.
The pilot took them on tight turns, barrel rolls, and loops, and performed every daredevil stunt he knew, but the farmer and his wife never made a peep. When they landed the pilot said, “I can’t believe it, neither of you made a sound, so the ride is on me.”
The farmer said, “It wasn’t easy! I almost said something when my wife fell out, but five dollars is five dollars.”
Two people were filling up at a gas station one day, when one says to the other, “I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher.”
“Won’t bother me,” replies the second person, “I always just get $10 worth.”
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
“I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.”
Two goobers go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods – they spent a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
Several years ago a mother gave her son two quarters.
One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.
One Sunday, Billy was flipping a quarter in the air and catching it on the way down.
Suddenly, the quarter was flipped into the air, but Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.
Billy looked skyward and prayed, “Sorry God, that was your quarter.”
“Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more.”
“The great drawback to a budding love affair is the blooming expense.”
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
“Real charity doesn’t care if it’s tax deductible or not.”
“We are not made rich by what is in our pockets, but by what is in our hearts.”
“Riches are a blessing only to those who make them a blessing to others.”
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
“Hello, is this the minister?”
“Yes, this is.”
“I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?”
“Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”
“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?”
“Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?”
“Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered Agent Struzik. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?”
There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister…
“Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”
“True wealth is not measured in money or status or power. It is measured in the legacy we leave behind for those we love and those we inspire.” – Cesar Chavez
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.
“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”
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