Welcome! Have a click around - you're sure to find something that motivates or inspires you to live with more intensity and purpose.
“Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey.” - Genesis 24:12, A Servant’s Prayer
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other is wings.” – Hodding Carter
“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.
“H I J K L M N O,” answered Sally promptly.
Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”
“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”
A little boy found the old family Bible and started thumbing through the pages. As he was turning the yellowed pages, a pressed tree leaf fell out.
He exclaimed, “Hey, this must be where Adam and Eve left their clothes!”
A pastor was doing his children’s sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher.”
Several years ago a mother gave her son two quarters.
One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.
One Sunday, Billy was flipping a quarter in the air and catching it on the way down.
Suddenly, the quarter was flipped into the air, but Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.
Billy looked skyward and prayed, “Sorry God, that was your quarter.”
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.
“I know,” he replied. “It’s a fad me and some of the guys started.”
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, “I can’t stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you.”
I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
“Yeah,” he said smiling slyly. “All the girls do.”
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a ‘Contract’ for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as was the custom. The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out himself. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “At least that other Librarian we had could write.”
A little girl to her father - “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
3-year-old little boy: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
Another little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
One particular four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister.
The little boy answered, “Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services.”
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc, submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”
- “H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
- “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
- “When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
- “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
- “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
- “Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
- “Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
- “The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
- “Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
- “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
- “A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
- “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
- “The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”
- “The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations.
One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”
“Children are natural mimics – they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.”
“God, in His infinite wisdom, gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
“What is a home without children? Quiet.” – Henny Youngman
The following are biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:
FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
- Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One day, as I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said,”Mommy gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong honey?” “Mommy, where’s my booger?”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Tommy, what’s the matter?”
Little Tommy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife.”
A 10-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
|
Site Sections and Categories
|
|
Recent Comments