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“Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey.” - Genesis 24:12, A Servant’s Prayer


Every Week Should Be Holy Week

Officially, “Holy Week” in the Catholic Church is the week ending with Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Our challenge is to remember that every week should be a “holy week.”

Daily, take the ancient medicine of remembering that Jerusalem’s original holy week wasn’t holy.

There was nothing churchy about the Last Supper, the way of the cross, or the ugly death on Calvary.

Yet in dirt, spit, and blood was hidden the sacred.

Jesus knew that all of it was holy because He’d hallowed all the common, messy, pain of life.

Holy Week challenges us to make every week holy.

- Prayscriptions for Lent; Edward Hays

Turkey Shopping

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Thanksgiving and Our Patriotic Duty

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” – Michael Dresser

The Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note…)

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses.

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Easter Eggs

“Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.”

Ash Trays for Mother’s Day

“It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother’s Day.” – Paul Clay

Fractured Christmas Carols

Listen very closely when kids sing Christmas carols, This is what you just might hear!

  • Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly…
  • We three kings of porridge and tar…
  • On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me…
  • Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire…
  • He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice…
  • Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel…
  • With the jelly toast proclaim…
  • Olive, the other reindeer…
  • Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say…
  • Sleep in heavenly peas…
  • In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown…
  • You’ll go down in Listerine…
  • Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay…
  • O come, froggy faithful…
  • You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require…”
  • Good tidings we bring to you and your kid…

Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

  1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
  3. Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
  4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
  5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”
  7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
  8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
  9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
  10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :) ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :( ”
  11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
  12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
  15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
  16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
  17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
  18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
  19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
  20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

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