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“Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey.” - Genesis 24:12, A Servant’s Prayer
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who had passed away following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, the other is wings.” – Hodding Carter
A farmer and his wife visited the fair each year. One of the attractions was a pilot who would give passengers a short ride in his bi-plane for five dollars. The farmer wanted to ride the plane, but every year his wife would say, “five dollars is five dollars,” and not let him ride.
After 7 years, the pilot offered the farmer a deal. He said, “If you and your wife can go the entire ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the the ride for free.” The farmer and his wife were delighted with this offer and climbed aboard.
The pilot took them on tight turns, barrel rolls, and loops, and performed every daredevil stunt he knew, but the farmer and his wife never made a peep. When they landed the pilot said, “I can’t believe it, neither of you made a sound, so the ride is on me.”
The farmer said, “It wasn’t easy! I almost said something when my wife fell out, but five dollars is five dollars.”
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, “I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?”
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, “When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
A little girl to her father - “Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?”
- Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
- Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
- Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
- If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write “Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2″ on the card.
I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read, “Happy Anniversary. You’re Number 2.”
My parents have been married for almost 40 years.
Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they’ve stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing.
He doesn’t try to run her life, and he doesn’t try to run his.
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen.
Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations.
One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
“Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife’s arrival, a porter sauntered over. “Mister,” he said, “you are sure some man! But one of these days you are going to get caught!”
- 4 years: “My Daddy can do anything.”
- 7 years: “My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot.”
- 12 years: “Oh, well – naturally – Father doesn’t know that either.”
- 14 years: “Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned.”
- 21 years: “Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?”
- 25 years: “He knows a little bit about it – but not much.”
- 30 years: “Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks.”
- 35 years: “Let’s ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision.”
- 40 years: “I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart.”
- 50 years: “My Dad knew absolutely everything.”
- 60 years: “I’d give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss him.”
“God, in His infinite wisdom, gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
“What is a home without children? Quiet.” – Henny Youngman
One day, as I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said,”Mommy gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, “What’s wrong honey?” “Mommy, where’s my booger?”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Tommy, what’s the matter?”
Little Tommy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife.”
“It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother’s Day.” – Paul Clay
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two “husband chairs” in a ladies’ clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the change room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: “That looks good on you. Get that one.” “Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.”’
The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”
Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked her mother.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
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