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“Help me to accomplish the purpose of my journey.” - Genesis 24:12, A Servant’s Prayer
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church…”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were, “too cold.”
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were, “bad food.”
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were, “I quit.”
“Good,” they said, “all you have done is complain.”
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, “I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?”
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, “When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
A pastor was doing his children’s sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked thoughtfully, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher.”
Good News: You baptized four people today. Bad News: You lost two others in the swift river current.
Good News: The Women’s Association voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: It passed 31 to 30.
Good News: The church board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They also formed a search committee to find someone capable of filling the position.
Good News: Your stand on nuclear disarmament has won the respect and admiration of many people. Bad News: None of them are remotely connected to your church.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things your way. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about “The Gong Show” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
Good News: Seventy junior high students showed up last Thursday. Bad News: The meeting was on Wednesday.
Good News: Your women’s softball team won their first game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They want to blacktop the front lawn of the manse.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left the church. Bad News: He’s been appointed bishop.
Good News: You finally got a key to the church kitchen. Bad News: Somebody re-keyed the lock.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: It’s Sunday! Bad News: It’s Sunday…
The minister delivered his Sunday morning service as usual but this particular Sunday it was considerably longer than normal. However, it was so well prepared and had so many wonderful scripture quotations he just knew it would be a big hit with the congregation.
At the end of the service he stood shaking hands with parishioners as they exited. One man paused and said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”
About the time the minister broke out in a big smile the man completed his comment by adding, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”
Several years ago a mother gave her son two quarters.
One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.
One Sunday, Billy was flipping a quarter in the air and catching it on the way down.
Suddenly, the quarter was flipped into the air, but Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.
Billy looked skyward and prayed, “Sorry God, that was your quarter.”
After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The Bishop was incredulous: “You have no arms!”
No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister.
The little boy answered, “Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services.”
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Preacher,” said the young man, “I’m sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
- Nehemiah 1:1-11
- Are we being good stewards of the Body of Christ?
- Nehemiah asked them, “How are things back home?”
- Sometimes the church doesn’t seem to broken or hurt when pieces of the Body are missing.
- Confession clears the obstacles between ourselves and God (or others).
- Prayer helps us discover God’s agenda– many times we want it now, but it’s not usually that way. It helps us get to where God is at work. It changes us. It should accomplish much.
- We must never give up on God’s people.
- Luke 15:1-7
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote “Revelations 3:20″ on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
{Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor’s message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}
The following are biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:
FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
- Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”
“Good morning Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?”
A certain preacher awoke to perfect golfing weather one Sunday morning. It had been either cold, raining, or too windy for a couple of months and, as he thought it over, the temptation was just too great. He called up one of his deacons and told him, “You all are going to have to cover for me today. I have to go out of town on urgent business.”
He felt a little bit guilty as he drove to another town, but the birds were singing, the sun was shining, the sky was bright blue, there was no wind at all, and the temperature was just perfect, so he found ways to justify his absence “just this once.”
As he stepped up to the first tee, St. Peter said to the Lord, “Look. Isn’t that one of your men on that golf course? And on a Sunday?”
The Lord said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.”
The preacher hit a perfect drive, in fact the best he’d ever hit in his life. It soared about 250 yards, bounced twice, hit the green, and rolled right into the cup! St. Peter looked at the Lord, but he didn’t say anything.
The preacher was ecstatic as he quickly teed up for the second hole, where his shot was just as good. He’d made another hole in one — the second one in his life!
At that St. Peter turned to the Lord, “I thought you said you would take care of him,” he asked.
“I did,” answered the Lord. “Who’s he going to tell?”
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
“Some people go to church to hide.” – Mary McKee
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
“Hello, is this the minister?”
“Yes, this is.”
“I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?”
“Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”
“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?”
“Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?”
“Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered Agent Struzik. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?”
There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister…
“Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”
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